All the crayon’s and stupid kid’s menus in the world could never captivate my children’s attention long enough for daddy to eat his burger in peace and quiet. When the waitress asks for your order say “Got any Prozac?” When she laughs, look at her with the most serious face and say “I’m not joking!” But really this tip is more about the kindness of strangers and/or their tolerance to children acting completely apeshit in a restaurant. When your food arrives tell your child that the old man with the white beard at the table on the other side the room is in fact Santa Claus, and if they don’t say hello and talk to him they will surely end up on his naughty list. Remind them what happened last year when they wouldn’t shut up and daddy wrote a letter to Santa explaining how they shouldn’t get presents. Make sure to ask the waitress how long the old man has been drinking, if drunk enough he might actually think he is Santa Claus, but make sure they don’t sit on his lap, that’s just creepy. If there’s no old man with a white beard, start looking for the next best thing, someone that looks like Jesus.