Sports are important. It’s the only thing that allows Daddy to feel connected to the to the rest of the family and gives him an opportunity to bond with his son. If your child expresses concern about playing sports or flat out says “I don’t like football,” tell him, “When Daddy found out he was having a boy he was really excited because one day my boy was going to play football. If you don’t want to play football, I no longer have a son, I have a pansy.” Then sign him up for football anyway, boys love football, so your boy will learn to like it or he will learn to catch a ball because daddy will just throw balls at his head everyday until he is tired of a black eye and decides to man up. Once you have your child’s buy in, it’s time to watch football every Saturday.
Rule #1: Be Drunk
Sports and Beer go together like peanut butter and jelly so it’s extremely important to be intoxicated at these events. The drunker you are , the more of a scene you will cause, which makes it more fun for spectators because these kids are no pros.
Rule #2: Yell at Everyone
The ref is blind. The coach has no idea what he is doing. The other kids are clearly not as good as your son. And when your son fumbles he needs to be emotionally abused in front of everyone on the field because he is clearly not as good as you were when you played.
Rule #3: Fighting in the Stands is Mandatory
Other Parents have loud mouths at these events. Never let them get the last word. How dare they yell at a play or encourage their child during the game. But keep in mind before you throw a punch at the loud mouth Dad that wont shut up, make sure he isn’t a father of a player on your sons team.
Rule #4: If You Don’t Get Kicked Out of a Game You Don’t Love Your Child
If the first three tips don’t get you escorted out of the game then you don’t love your child. They will never reach their full potential in sports and your shot at them ever going pro is never gonna happen.
Rule #5: Keep Brochures for Ballet Classes set on the Coffee Table
Just so your son knows that if he’s gonna be a pansy, you’ll treat him like one. Then have mommy take him dress shopping.