Daddy’s relationship with God is pretty simple, I only pray for selfish gain, and when God comes through all is good. I remember the first time I prayed to God. It was last year around Christmas while looking for a Nintendo Wii. During a trip to Wal-Mart I decided that it was going to take some divine intervention for the children and most importantly Daddy to have a brand new Wii under the tree. But I realized having never talked to God before that maybe the voices of three little children might motivate him/her to have a Wii magically appear in the Electronics Department. So I said, “Kids, I really need your help. Let’s pray to God that Wal-Mart has a Nintendo Wii, so daddy can ignore you all on Christmas day.” So the oldest starts praying, “Please God let there be world peace and can we please have a Nintendo Wii.” I immediately yelled for her to stop and explained that praying for world peace is an absolute waste of time and if they don’t have a Wii now, it’s all her fault because God is now laughing at her silly request. So as we reach the Nintendo isle and of course no Wii’s. I gave my daughter a look that explains exactly how I feel about the situation without having to use the words “You really screwed that up royally!”
So we rush to Target as fast as we can. This time I said, “Children, God has really let us down. Let’s pray to Satan and see if he will answer our prayers.” My daughter a little reluctant decides to sit this prayer out. I acknowledge her request but explain that it is only because she messed up the first time. Daddy goes on “Dear dark lord of the underworld I will sell my soul and the souls of my children to you, if we can have a Nintendo Wii.” We near toward electronics and of course, NO NINTENDO WII! “Satan has failed us!” I exclaimed to the kids while walking out.
So I rip the children out of Target faster then a soccer mom on meth. We head toward Best Buy. While running in, I advise the children, “God has let us down today, Satan won’t pick up the phone, Daddy makes all the money, Let us pray to Daddy.” My children recant “Please Daddy let there be a Nintendo Wii at Best Buy.” At that moment a beam of light was shining on the last Nintendo Wii. Three people are quickly approaching the display. I had my son run in front of the mother looking type and pretend to cry, while daddy pimp slapped a 13-year old boy onto the ground and said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Bitch!” Then the final fight was some crazy old lady who kicked daddy in the balls, I looked at her and grinned then said, “That doesn’t hurt! My balls are in my wife’s purse.” Then I stole her cane and used it to reach the last Wii. Victory was mine. Holding the box to the sky I yelled at my children, “Daddy is God! And DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!” Daddy was so excited he couldn’t wait to get home and play Nintendo Wii, but sadly the children had to wait for Christmas….