It occurred to Daddy this weekend that buying my children everything they wanted in order to shut them up, was a stupid and expensive idea. Now they are ungrateful little brats that use whining and yelling as a tool to hold daddy hostage. So daddy decided to take them dumpster diving for dinner and clothes. I explained that if daddy ever lost his job and we became poor this is how poor people survive. My daughter questioned this by asking me if I ever met a poor person before. I told her they have this cool newspaper that homeless people write and sell on the corner for money and that last week daddy almost bought one from the poor person. She then asked why I didn’t buy it. I told her daddy has this fear that if you touch a poor person you might become poor. So time for dumpster diving. As we edged near the dumpster I looked at my children and said women and children first. They looked at me in disgust and immediately started crying. They screamed, “NO! We are SO SORRY! We will be good!” But their little tears did not persuade daddy to stop. It was the moment I picked up my daughter and threw her in the dumpster that it occurred to me this might possibly be child abuse. But it was a little late to doing anything about it. So in order to make up for it I bought her a pony.
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First, Daddy would like to clarify this tip is specifically geared for boys, sexist it might be, but let’s remember gender roles are real, know your role. As Daddy walked through the park yesterday with his kids running a muck, somewhere, not sure where, but they came back, unfortunately. But as Daddy walked in the park, I spotted a father and son walking together. The boy was a toddler and looked like he was just learning to walk. What pissed me off about his parenting skills wasn’t his keen supervision of his child, but as his child edged toward a puddle, he intervened and saved him from the soggy doom. As parents it’s our job not to teach our sons to grow up thinking Daddy is going to save us from trivial things like water. Luckily as this was happening my middle child came up and I whispered in his ear to push the boy in the puddle.
It annoys Daddy to no end when my children talk to me to begin with, but when they use that time to tell on each other, it sets Daddy threw roof. Tattle tailing children will grow up will no social skills because they are always looking for someone else to solve their problems. We all know those types of people today and they’re the ones you want to smash in the face with a Louisville slugger. Daddy teaches his children that “Snitches Get Stitches.” A saying my children love cause Daddy made it fun for them by singing it as a rhyme. Daddy tried making another rhyme like tattle tails might not go to jail but they have no friends cause they are pussies, the kids didn’t like that one to much. But I try to teach my children to spread the word for the greater good, when we go to the park now and a child says they are telling on them this set my children into stealth mode and they will go to extremes to prevent that child from snitching. It’s cute cause they chant “Snitches gets stitches.” As they kick the child in the spine.
This fear became a reality the other day when my oldest was itching her head. Daddy doesn’t normally respond to his children’s needs but my daughter was very persistent that her head was itchy. Upon inspection I noticed bugs crawling in her hair, which I obviously responded by jerking back and yelling like a little girl, “Gross! You have bugs in your hair. Get AWAY!” This sent her into a full blown panic attack which left her emotionally helpless and in need of a hug. And of course me being the father I am, I immediately pushed her away and said I don’t want lice, that’s gross. Daddy dropped everything and started phoning Mommy right away to come home and handle this emergency. Afraid Mommy might not respond to head lice with such urgency and tell Daddy to be a man and finally do something for once, I called and acted like it was a big crazy family emergency and hung up on her coworker. Mommy rushed home in a panic and Daddy said with a sigh of relief, “Our daughter has lice, do something.”
I love going to the store without my children and seeing other parents struggling with their terribly behaved little monsters throwing temper tantrums, screaming and crying. Their misery is so amusing to me. When I walk by I always smile and say, “Isn’t that cute… does your child have Tourettes?” But when Daddy goes out with his four-year-old, the youngest and the only one who hasn’t gotten the memo that Daddy doesn’t play the temper tantrum game, and when he throws himself on the floor and starts wailing, all the parents around you look up and want to see your reaction. Like what are you gonna do, smack him, yell at him, or give in like a big fat pussy. But NO! Daddy doesn’t respond by hitting, smacking, or yelling. Daddy throws himself on the ground in the middle of Toys-R-Us and starts crying out, “I want a new car! I don’t want to drive a freaking Mini Van and look like a freakin’ loser in front of my friends! But Daddy can’t keep his dick in his pants and now regrets going to toy store!” Then I calmly stand up and say, “Now shut up, put the toy in the god damn cart, and lets go! Daddy loves you.”
When talking to your son about sex this should be fairly simple. Tell him sex feels really good, until you see the end result, which was you, so wrap that shit up. Go into a long speech about how the last thing he wants is a child running around, explain how it really messed up your life. Then when he isn’t catching your drift. Tell him “You specifically are the reason I cry myself to sleep each night.” But make sure you end the conversation on a high note by then giving him a big box of condoms wrapped like a Christmas gift. When he opens it up say with a proud grin, “Go to town, boy!” But let him know the rules for engaging in sex. Say, “Look your 15, so it’s important to remember you never want to sleep with the same girl twice, when you get married you will have the same woman for the rest of your life and trust me that really sucks.” Then explain if the girl looks funny down there that’s what the condoms are for! Enjoy.
It is extremely important to teach our children responsibility. By showing them the value of work you can build an indispensable house hold tool/slave child. Showing your child early how to do stuff around the house will pay off quickly. I justify it simply by telling my children that 3 year olds in China make shoes for 14 hours a day, so is it really to much for me to ask for them to clean the house, cook dinner, or mow the lawn. Reinforcing an honest day of slave labor will pay off dividends in the future because by the time you need your driveway repaved they will be 8 years old and up for the challenge.