Tag Archives: fail

Parenting Tip # 66 Horror Movies Can Teach Your Children Valuable Lessons

Child_eating_popcornSure my youngest child is around 8 years old, maybe 7, also could be 9. Do I look like the department of health that holds birthing records? NO. Of course not! So, my youngest child wants to watch a horror film. He doesn’t really understand that horror movies are rated R for a reason. When he asks daddy to watch all the Saw movies I figure it’s a great idea because watching horror films can teach an invaluable life lesson. Plus daddy has it on extreme authority that my 8 year old knows someone in his class that might have watched half of a Saw movie one time. He said it was either Goosebumps or Saw and he can’t remember. So as father of the year we decided Saw was pretty close to Goosebumps .
First, horror films teach you that people are insane and to trust no one because they might one day betray you for something pretty trivial like a pack of gum. For my daughter, I feel like it really taught her not to go running into the woods with her boyfriend to have sex, because she will die first and that her boyfriend is a pussy and won’t be able to protect her. Also, (we watched Carrie recently) only refer to boobs as dirty pillows when talking to daddy because the subject is super uncomfortable. My child love scary movies. They practically beg to watch them then run home and tell mommy on me which results in a 3 hour lecture on how they’re only kids and “blah, blah blah” something about you’re the adult.
Look, as a great father I want to give my children everything, and part of everything is nightmares. You haven’t lived if you haven’t woken up in a cold sweat scared to death because there might be a monster under your bed that asks you, “Want to Play a Game?” By the way any movie that asks you if you want to play a game has to be a kids movie because games are for kids.
All the life lessons pail in comparison to the real life lesson we learned as a family, how to keep secrets. Here is a really life conversation with my children on the way to the movies to go see Oculus:

convo

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Parenting Tip # 54 Teaching Your Child Failure Is Not An Option

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Stress can be fun if you harvest it correctly, into your children. Instilling values like second place is for the biggest loser or even though you were runner up that still means you were weren’t the prettiest or the most talented. By teaching your child not to fail you put tremendous pressure on them, some might say it’s unhealthy but that’s usually the people that are losers or have loser children. It’s a simple philosophy, you teach your child that failing is shameful and that your love for them is contingent on them always winning. This will either drive them to be very successful or push them over the edge emotionally, to a state of unhappiness that will result in failed suicide attempts (and when they fail at trying to kill themselves, make sure to point out how they are a complete failure because they didn’t even do that right).

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Filed under comedy, family, funny, humor, Parenting